A male praying mantis can’t have an orgasm unless he’s decapitated. The female rips his head off and eats it while his pelvis keeps pumping, proof that even in the insect world, dicks don’t need a brain to do their job.
The black widow spider can devour up to twenty mates in a single day.
Honeybees’ genitals explode and snap off inside their queen to make sure no sloppy seconds can fit.
Female brown trout fake orgasms to make males prematurely ejaculate so they can swim off to find another mate, Mother Nature’s form of Elimidate.
The red-sided garter snake comes out of her cave once a year for a reptilian orgy where up to 25,000 writhe across each other for the chance to procreate.
When a male porcupine finds a girl he likes, they face belly to belly before he coats her head to toe with urine that can shoot up to five feet, but they’re one of the only animals that will mate 365 days a year, 7 days a week.
When it comes to Mother Nature, primates are the definition of boring sex.
Even canines probably took doggy-style first.
A silverback gorilla only has a two-inch cock. The banana slug has got eight, one less then it’s total body length, and an Argentine lake duck has got 17 inches shaped like a corkscrew long enough they often lasso back an escaping mistress
You see, us monkeys aren’t that special but we’ll never be convinced. Thinking we’re the roosters cock of the walk when even dolphins have a retractable penis and a pigs orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
And maybe that’s why we fell in love at the Oakland Zoo.
We were two bi-pedal primates on a Monday morning, trying to decide where we stood underneath the birds and the bees. It’d been two weeks of trying to be cold-blooded and slither through each other’s lives, but we had too much shed skin and no new coat to show for it.
The night before we scared each other, when we woke up wrapped tighter then a chain of orangutans. We’d been circling each other like sharks over a bleeding dolphin,
trying to decide if we should give an opposable thumb up or down to monogamy.
When we’ve dated how a cat will kill 15 mice in a row before it finally stops.
I didn’t drag any bodies to your doorstop, but I could see the red hourglass on your belly and your ex boyfriends in your teeth.
Couldn’t tell if I should bring you flowers or my own funeral wreathe.
I didn’t flash any feathers or offer any bugs and nuts, but I had bared my canines, beat my chest, made you my best drawings in the dirt but it still wasn’t enough.
So I called in sick to work that day, and knew this monkey had to get down to business before you fluttered into the distance.
And we went to the Oakland zoo. To see the gibbons pick each other’s fur clean.
To listen to the parrots talk shit. To watch the alpha male chimpanzee beat the hell out his tire swing just to impress the ladies, and I tucked my hand in yours tighter then a marsupials pockets.
I realized without DNA’s version of love, the whole world would go extinct.
Maybe it was our pheromones, something as simple as the animalistic need to breed, to add another link in the evolutionary chain, to keep us coming past adaptation and mutations, but in the last 4000 years, no new animal has ever been domesticated.
There’s 1 million ants for every person in the world but we’re all hardwired to search for the One. And just like a male black widow, we walk the web without a choice.
Some say monogamy isn’t natural, but sheep are natural and sheepskin condoms are man-made.
Snakes can see through their eyelids.
Crickets hear through their knees.
Butterflies taste through their feet.
I’m not a worm with ten hearts, but you made me a hedgehog with only one
that beats 300 times a minute. Too often I’ve been a goldfish with a memory of 3 seconds, a wolf that could bark like a dog but chose to howl instead.
But you remind me why moths drink the tears of elephants.
Why a tapeworm loves those who got guts.
So this is my grasshopper serenade to the male black widow. That little man that walks the web even if he can see her hunger waiting in eight lidless eyes.
Even if he can see her last boyfriends dead under her silk spun legs, he walks the web because he’s dares to think…
He’s going to be the only one, who lives.